no news is good news... right?

WRONG!

My delay of entry wasn't because I was to busy celebrating, that I didn't have a chance to update the blog. In fact, it was quite opposite. I received the call from the Dr.'s Office yesterday stating that my test was negative, last time, they informed me that my levels were "less than 1" But not this time, no, no, no, I didn't get the pleasure of even having a number this time, that's right, a big fat ZERO! so basically not a chance on earth that i could possibly be pregnant.

as for plans for the future... who knows? those were are last frozen embryos, and to start fresh again, I am going to need to come up with about 15.000.00$. so if any one has any brilliant ideas, on how to raise money (preferably legally, but if not O-well) or to magically get pregnant, I am up for them! bring it on.

sincerely,

depressed and confused.

Milo's Wish

We Went to the mall today, and Milo found a penny on the ground. He wanted to go throw it in the fountain to make a wish, when we got to the fountain he found the perfect spot to throw it, he pondered for a minute and then I heard him whisper " I wish for the embryos to work" and threw his penny in. My heart just melted, of all the things a 6 year old could wish for...





I wish for that too.





tomorrow is the big day! my mind is telling me, whatever the outcome, it is what was meant to be. But, my heart is saying PLEASE let this be it!

Russ' Birthday Celebration Week!

Rusty turned the big 32 this week! he has one of those dreaded December Birthdays where he always gets the good ol' "this is for your birthday AND Christmas" gift. So we had a full week of celebrating for him so he would feel special.

We started out with a party at our house with my side of the Family, where Russ served up some of his famous favorite desert, Chocolate Waffles! mmmmm!

I can never get him to be serious...

Next we had a little Friend get together at Russ' restaurant of choice, which of course was Chili's (he cant pass up on a good burger)

"the gang"


James and Anne

What would a party be without Matt and Alissa?

John And Dia...

Darrin and Darcie and there newest addition (#5!)

Last but not least... Andy (minus his better half, We missed you Whit!)

once again.... not a serious face.

And to top it all off, we wrapped up the week with a party at the Lowry House which is always filled with good food and Fun!

Finally a "normal" face!

Happy Birthday Rusty! We Love You!


I just had to put this picture in because of Auggies poor face! he is walking/falling so much he looks like he's been beat up! poor guy!

6dp5dt

I don't know who even reads this blog? But if you do, i apologize for all the "ho-hummness" I am kind of a waste of a human being right now, my whole self is being consumed with thoughts of those little embryos. I really need to focus on something else, or my family just might send me to the loony bin.

However, I am pretty proud of myself for not doing a home test yet. I have two sitting in the drawer, but i am so afraid that it will be negative, that I would like to hold on to this "hope" just a little longer before having a huge meltdown. Besides, it's almost Christmas, so i don't think it would be wise to be Debbie downer all Christmas long, it just wouldn't be fair to my family. But really... I am not too hopeful, I really have no symptoms whatsoever! nothing. I wish I just had a little something to show that things were moving down there! ANYTHING! So here I am, Wishing, Waiting, Hoping, Praying, for a true Christmas miracle. 5 more days to go...

I'm losing my MIND!

3 days down, 8 more days till test!

I have officially over-researched this whole thing! I have googled my brains out! and have come up more lost than when I started! it's just amazing to me how many other people are going through this same thing. it's actually kind of depressing. besides m fragile mental state, all is "well" and by "well" I mean, I am feeling nothing! not one little sign that could give me any sort of direction on how I should be feeling. I have put op pictures of the Little embryos all around the house with little thoughts of encouragement written on them, Milo is so cute, he always prays for them in his prayers, he blesses them to "hatch" and "grow big". poor little guy, has had to hear more female medical lingo than most 6 year olds. Russ is being really supportive, he hangs on to the emotional roller coaster that I take the family on everyday. I sometimes think, hmmm, I wonder if he stares at the pictures of our embryos all day, saying to himself "please work, please work, please work" and if he does, is it only because he hates he meltdown that occurs after the big negative? or does he truly want this as much as I do? But I know he really wants more children, I just don't thin k he thought it would be such a struggle and hormonal battle to do so! well guess what... me neither! But We do what we got to do.

Say hello to my little friends...

So here they are, my new house guests. I hope to make them feel comfortable, so they will want to nuzzle up for a few months and make a home. The transfer went well today. I was a little anxious when I woke up to the snow this morning, and it doesn't help to have the thought weighing in the back of my mind that this is it! these are the last two frozen embryos we have! But over all I was feeling pretty positive. the only bump in the whole procedure was my bladder! I was told to go in with a full bladder. well once we got there things were a little behind, so by the time that we actually went into the procedure room, I was ready to BURST! so it made it very uncomfortable! I was suppose to lay there for at least 15 minutes after the transfer, but after about 5 minutes, i couldn't take it anymore, I bolted for the bathroom! So despite that little incident, every thing went good. Now all there is to do is keep up on all the shots and pills, and WAIT! simple, right? I will keep an update of the wretched wait. at least I have the holidays to help with my every second obsessing....NOT!

Ready to go...

I went in to the office today for my final check before the Embryo transfer. Everything was great! they checked my lining to see the thickness, and they want it to be anything greater than 6. and mine was at 12! so we are right on track to do the transfer this Tuesday! I start the dreaded progesterone shots tonight, and go in on Tuesday morning for transfer! It has come so quick! I am trying to keep really positive, and know that everything will work out, just as it is suppose to. Right? I might need a lot of reminding in the next few weeks...

Where do I begin?.....

I have been a major blog slacker! (sorry summer) Life has just been going by so fast, i feel like I haven't had a second to catch-up, so here it is... this is a jumbled mess of what we have been up to for the last few weeks.

First, The annual Gingerbread House

Every year Russ' mom does this amazing gingerbread house, and let's all the kids decorate it. usually all the kids have been to young so it ends up being an adult activity. But this year the kids were a perfect age to help out, and ended up doing most of it themselves! it turned out a huge success as always!

Uncle Jeffy carefully placing the chocolate chimney bricks...

Me, in charge of the frosting bag! whoo hoo!

Rusty and Paul doing the daddy day care for the little guys.

All the proud kids and the finished product.

Next, Milo has been loosing teeth!

this is a picture of him right after he lost one of his big front teeth...

And this is a picture of him after he lost his OTHER front tooth! I cant help but chuckle when i look at his silly little smile! now he can really sing "All I want for Christmas, is my two front teeth!"

Temple Square.

We Decided to go see the lights at Temple Square while the weather was still a little bit warm, Although Jeffy must have thought it was a little warmer than it really was, he was wearing SHORTS and FLIP FLOPS! everyone was looking at him like he was crazy!

And last but not least...

Auggie is Walking! He is walking everywhere, and into everything! he falls down a bit, but it doesn't phase him, he just gets back up and keeps going! he really is getting to be alot of fun, but he really knows how to razz up Milo. Poor Milo, went from being a calm and quiet only child to a big bully for a little brother!

Trouble!

I took Aug on the carousel at the mall, they only let us ride on the handicap seat because they said he was to small for the horses? He still had fun.

Next step...

So we met with the Dr. on Monday, it went VERY well. (well as good as it can go, with someone telling you since your last feble attempt to have children failed, so you only have one more chance at doing a "Cheaper"frozen cycle.) Anywho... We are able to give it another try in just 3 weeks! I was afraid that I might have to wait, but with this news, i get a little excited at the thought of being able to try again..Now! Although it was a little frustrating that there were no answers for the last failed transfer, I am hopeful this time. I have a brighter understanding that things will "work-out" I don't know how, but it will.

here's the plan:

- continue taking prenatal vitamin, and baby aspirin.
- get my BMI to at least 19 (7 lbs of fat shouldn't be to hard with thanksgiving tomorrow!)
- No Lupron this time! (since I don't ovulate on my own, there is no point in suppressing my ovaries, so shots in the belly! but still in the butt :( )
- Pray hard that this is what is suppose to happen right now.

Moving on...

The final verdict came back... Negative. They like to see your level be at 100 or more to consider it a positive test. Well mine was "less than 1" What the! I mean not even a little chance! it was kind of a hard day yesterday. I mean I knew it would be negative from all the home tests I took, But I guess in the back of my head I was kind of hoping for a miracle. And to go from consuming my every waking thought to taking the pills, suppositories, shots, Over and over again, timing it just right every day, to one phone call and STOP! just quit all the stuff you have been doing to your body to hold on to the little guys, and do nothing? So I am getting better. I will move on. I will try again. and it could happen again. We will meet with the Dr. on Monday, and discuss our next plan of attack for our final two embryos... here we go again.

tommorow's the big day....

So I go in tomorrow morning for the official blood test. But, I am pretty sure, that 15 home pregnancy tests are pretty accurate. I am really just glad, i am going in knowing that it is going to come back negative, so it wont be a big shocker when they call with the results tomorrow afternoon.

So if ever I needed a miracle.... now is it! BUT, the good news is, I have 2 more frozen little embies left, so we have 1 more chance! (if my body can handle it!)

Wish me luck

Stranger things have happened right?

8dp5dt

NEGATIVE.

and not just my attitude.

only slight "feeling" i felt today, was a little twinge in my belly, kind of like someone kicked me in the stomach, but I only felt it for a split second. Then it was gone. I'm sure it was just your average "feeling" that everyone gets, but because I am on super sensitive, over-analyzer mode, I am taking note of it.

7dp5dt

lets just get this over with......


Another BFN!! ya, that's right BIG FREAKIN NEGATIVE!


Now I'm getting a little nervous. I called my sister, she tried to reassure me, it helped a little. It still hasn't even been a whole week... it could change...we will see....tomorrow.

Still NO symptoms! I cant even make any up at this point.

A Little Crazy....

So I have done WAY to much searching on the Internet. I have talked my self (and my sister!) into testing EARLY!!! this is a major NO, NO! what if it is negative, and I get all down and depressed for the next week (depressed? who me? never.) what if it says positive but it is a false positive? what to do, what to do? Last time I held strong. I waited out the whole two weeks and only did the blood test! I must have been crazy! But I don't know what it is about this time? I just am feeling really negative, and so I feel like I need to test so I can pre-warn the person who has to call me with the negative result. Waugh Waugh (Debbie downer here.)


So after much debate, I talked my self into going to the Dollar store to get a pregnancy test! and one test turned out to be 9 tests, just so I can test everyday till my blood test! The poor kid working the cash register couldn't even make eye contact with me, crazy lady coming through buying the store out of pregnancy tests!

so I RUSHED home, squeezed out enough pee to get 4 drops, dropped them on the little test, and watched, and watched........







till......






NEGATIVE!


OK, I'm fine. really. fine. So maybe its a little early, right? even though other people are getting positives on there HPT's before me. I'm good. I will just test again tomorrow. no big deal.


Who am I kidding? I'm a little annoyed.

4dp5dt

OK so I woke up this morning with heartburn!? could it be a sign of pregnancy or just a memory of the nachos I had at 10:00 last night? we will see......

Days 1,2,3dp5dt

If you can understand the title to my post, then you have probaly experinced some sort of infertility stuggle in life (sorry.) But if you cant, it stands for "Days Past 5 Day Transfer" and the signifigance of that is I need to wait till 14dp5dt to get the official blood test! whew this is going to be a long 2 weeks!

DAYS 1,2,3,


NOTHING! I feel nothing! besides on day 1 feeling the dizzy effects of the Valium, I now feel ZIP. Good? bad? I have no clue?

Transfer day!

this transfer day was a little bit different from the last time, since last time I was suffering from OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) so I was more relaxed this time and kind of nervous too, because we had no Idea till we got there if the Embryos were going to "thaw" and survive!

I had made this little shirt that said "Welcome Home" I thought if I wore it, it would be good "mojo" or something... I'll try anything!

Well after arriving we were told the thawing went perfectly and two of our 4 blastocyst embroys were ready to be transferred! then the feeling kind of hit like "oh, shoot, do we really want to do this!?"....Well of course we do! they took us into the procedure room and there is a very calm and peacful feeling there, they dim the lights and its really quiet. Then one of the technichians came into the rom and showed us the picture of our little embryos (which looked very different from last time, different as in, not as good. But we think they are beautiful and love them no matter what.) they proceeded with the transfer, and then we layed there for about 30 min (ok, iI really dont know how long it was because I was so sleepy from the valium!)

now, we WAIT.

Halloween 2008

WHAT TIME IS IT?!...

Is that Troy Bolton?

So Milo decided that this year he wanted to be (after seeing HSM3) Troy Bolton For Halloween. which was fine with me, because it was a super easy costume to put together!

Our only problem is getting the Paint color put of his hair now!...any suggestions?

Auggie was a cute little froggy this year so actually he was a "FR-AUGGIE" :)

"We're all in this together..." (sing along if you would like...)

The perfect couple... Darth and Pochahontas.

Auggie was loving Russ in this mask!

can you even belive how WARM it was this year!? I was able to wear flip flops, and short sleeves all night!


Getting ready to go Trick-or-treating!

Happy Froggy!

This was also this year at our Neighborhood halloween party, Does'nt Auggie make the cutest little girl?!

Here we go Again.....

IVF #2

I cant believe we are here....AGAIN....SO SOON! only 9 months after the delivery of our last (successful) IVF, we have decided to just "go for it" we don't like the idea of another 6 year gap between children, so while we are "in" the baby mode, we are just going to try. I mean how hard could it be? right? WRONG!

Here's our process:

Birth control pills to start things rolling or should I say "flowing" :)

followed with, prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin, and estrodial twice a day.

lurpon shots in the belly every day till my lining becomes thick and comfy.

vaginal suppositories twice a day up the cha cha (isn't that a pleasant image?)

Then the dreaded Progesterone in Oil (better known as PIO) or as I like to call it PIA (pain in the A**.... Literally!) Hubby "gets" to give me this tender loving shot in the hip every night for a possibility of 11 weeks! ( oh, I can only hope!)

Transferring 2 of our 4 frozen Blastocyst embryos back into my cushy warm uterus, or as I hope they call it "home"

THEN comes the WORST, The 2 week wait! I hate this part! I wish they could put me in some medically induced coma, and wake me after the pregnancy test (only if it is positive, of course)

going in to get the blood test.... I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

Now just to clarify, I am documenting this for my own entertainment, but I have found so much comfort in searching and reading others story's, that I decided not to make this a private blog, so if I say something offensive or disturbing to you.... That's your problem! I'm a hormonal MESS right now! I am not liable for any actions, during this process.

The Auggster... 9 months old!

Auggie had a little professional photo shoot, taken by the Amazing Tiff! she just captured his little personality so perfectly! theese are only a few of the MANY amazing moments she captured. he was such a little poser, I love this kid...

classic Auggie

(drooling with his tounge out)

Big boy!

He looks like such a little grandpa, wih his little "Mr. Rogers" sweater on.

I just love that little face...

trying to take his hat off...

I need to get some video on here of Auggie walking! he is able to take a few steps, and is climbing everything! (like the stairs!) here we go....

Dead Deers

***Warning***

if you get woosey at the sight of dead animals, or have a soft heart for the movie Bambi, then you may not want to proceed to look at these photos.

Well last week was the annual Deer Killing fest. so this is a special post for just for Russ, however, Russ dosent like to support my blogging addcition, so these photos will be narrated by...ME!

Everyone is so happy to have dead deer laying on the front lawn! nothing calls for a family photo opp like dead rotting animals.

I think Russ is trying to rip the antlers (is that what they are called?) off it's head?

Horray! we killed Bambi.

as you can tell it was a succesful hunt this year. And I am pretty sure they are allready planning next years! oh geeez!